It is amazing how one minute I can feel ok, confident, content about the way my life is going, and the next moment it's all lost. I am humbled. I am confused. I am, shit I don't even know.
I thought that the people that we care about and that say they care about, us are supposed to be there for us when we're hurting, not be the cause of that pain. It is almost as though, because we care about someone, we put them on a pedestal and assume that they won't be the ones that disappoint us. I know that not everyone can always live up to their expectations but that isn't what I'm talking about. I don't understand how a person that you put so much time, energy, and love into can do something that breaks your heart. How can a relationship that means so much to one person, be so easily thrown away by another.
What is the deal with relationships anyway? It seems like all of mine are falling apart. People promised me that we wouldn't lose touch, wouldn't fade away and we have. Refused to say goodbye even though thats what it was when they left. My friends that are here and yet, feel farther away than someone like Jay whose is in Pennsylvania . The two of us putting on a facade, until everything blows up, then we fight it out, then we go right back to pretending there aren't deeper issues. Another friend that probably would have been lost if college hadn't brought us back together. But what happens when I'm not here next year? I think I might be holding on to some relationships that I shouldn't be. Maybe it is time for me to just let those people go and thank them for having been a part of my life.
Then there is my family. My family that is now torn apart. Broken. How did this happen?
I think I might move back. I think I will need to. They are going to need me.
Not everyone in life ends up happy. Not everyone is meant to end up happy. When in their lives do those people that aren't meant to be happy, realize that they aren't meant to be happy? How are we supposed to know that the relationships we hold on to are going to make us happy? What if the ones that we give up could have made us happy, but now are gone? Why is it so hard to tell the difference between temptation and opportunity?
It is 1 am and I cant sleep. Again.
Forgive me Lord, for I am but a sinner.
2 comments:
Aubri. I'm praying for you and missing you.
did you get my letter?
Forgive me Lord, for I am but a sinner?
I hate it when Luke says that too...:) Aren't we all feeling what you are feeling right now?
P.S. I'm still sort of trying to figure out how, exactly, we're sinners...:)
Something to do with original sin...but, what was that again? :) Not doing what we're told? What were we being told to do again? :)
Did you check in with the Divas?
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